Church of Scientology of Los Angeles

Scientology. Most people I know think of scientology as a religion of crazies, so I decided to go and explore on my own. Apologies for taking so long to write this! I also seem to have misplaced my notes, so forgive me my details. Before entering the huge, looming church of scientology, situated in lovely downtown Hollywood, my loyal friend Nedah and I sat in the car and repeated: "I am happy with my life. I am happy with my life." I had a feeling that, if anything I had heard about scientologists was true, that they would try to convince us otherwise and just wanted to make sure that I remembered.

We thought there was going to be a Sunday service that Wednesday, as the website had led me to believe, but we were wrong. Instead, upon entering, three girls in uniform at the reception desk set us up with a nice woman to give us a little tour. Instead of showing us anywhere much around the huge building, she simply showed us through the small museum of L Ron Hubbard's life. Some of the information was bizarre, in that it talked about minute details of his life yet completely omitted where he went to college, just went into talking "after he graduated from college." (mmm though now wikipedia tells me he never graduated from college... ) I learned that he spent a decent amount of time in South Africa and put forth a position of basic human rights that the museum led me to believe had an effect on the downfall of apartheid (which seems dubious, to be honest). At one point, we held two metal cylinders and were told that the numbers showing meant something about our stress levels... but we got no more details than that. The exhibit was overall rather vague and didn't really tell us anything about what scientology was, though the creed seemed nice and Declaration of Independence-y.

But worry not, dear reader(s)! Our next stop was the nice mini-theater (smaller than Silliflicks, but with nicer armchairs) to watch "Dianetics," the short film introduction. It was just us and an elderly gentleman inside, but extremely loud music blasted out at us right from the beginning. The first ten minutes or so showed generic shots of "innovation" from circa the 1920s, with lots of cogs moving together, typewriters going, steam engines, and the like. We were introduced to three men and the back of L Ron's head. The men were talking about L Ron's new book "Dianetics," and how it was going to revolutionize mental psychological medicinal practices. However, sadly for them, both the AMA and the APA rejected them (after a disturbing scene where the entire APA seemed to sit in a dungeon and watch a lobotomy, rather than try L Ron's new theory--fools! mwah hah hah... (?)). The three gentlemen and the back of L Ron's head decided to instead publish Dianetics to the masses (cue more Americana music and more shots of cogs, this time with printing presses and newspaper articles flashing by). It was a huge success, we were told, and everything was great.

You might be wondering at this point: "What on earth IS Dianetics?" And to be honest, WE WANTED TO KNOW TOO. Because after that 21 minute-long film, we still hadn't a clue. It had something to do with L Ron sitting at a patient's bed and asking how they felt when they fell to the ground after injuring their leg and developing gangrene. Somehow.

Upon leaving the theater, our tour lady found us again, and when we asked her that very question, she said "You can buy it for just 26.99 in our bookstore!" ...oh. Even more confused than before, we allowed her to lead us to the barren "Registration Room," where a single girl in uniform manned a desk, surrounded by other empty desks.

Uniform note: everyone working there wore black pants and a white top. The men all wore the exact same tie, with the knot at the top gray and the rest black. (pssst: they were zipper-ties!) In the Registration Room, we were told that we were going to be administered a series of tests. Yes, this sounded scarier than it was, especially after that lobotomy scene. But it was just an IQ test, personality test, and aptitude test. Oh, and again the test with the metal cylinders (see below). Seeing as we had nothing better to do and were generally mystified about everything, we sat down to the scantrons. About two hours later, we had all of our results!

Nedah with the metal thingys! Being asked things like "define hope."

Nedah and I then got our own personal scientologists to go over our results with. Mine was named Tristan. Tristan was great. He was 19 and had "PEACE" tattooed on his inside wrist (I think it was peace. Though it could have been something else). He was actually from the town next to mine, so we got along dandily. Turns out Nedah and I are both bright chickadees, doing very well on that IQ test. The aptitude scores were incomprehensible, but the personality test results came out in graph-form! With all kinds of categories--from happiness, to compassion, to who knows what else. Nedah and I both had two categories that were in the "dangerous" level. We were both happy people, thanks to our chanting in the parking lot, but my two dangerous categories were "irresponsible" and "critical." Nedah also had "critical," and her second was "withdrawn." I realize that I am a reckless youth at times, but seeing as I don't have a family, I don't find my perceived lack of responsibility (at least as perceived by the CoS) to be a problem. And I told them as such. Tristan seemed to accept that, so we moved on to my critical nature. See, this was a toughie. Yes, I was sitting there being super critical of Scientology. And they were sitting there telling me I was critical! It seems we were both right. And again, it was another category that I didn't really feel I needed to be improved upon. Instead, I learned a little more about... scientology! I learned that the building contains a "purification suite," where you can go to be cleansed of, if I remember correctly: "drugs, alcohol, transfats, smog, and really anything." Tristan did it because he had some kind of a drug problem a couple of years ago (though he's only 19!). Tristan soon afterward had to go, so I was shuffled over to a nice tall British man with scarily blue eyes who offered to sign me up for various expensive classes so I could deal with this problem of being critical. I instead took my chance to drill him about Scientology and Dianetics! Tragically, however, early on in the conversation, I referred to it as "Diuretics." Oops. Not a good impression, mixing up his mental health religion with a drug that makes you urinate. Regardless, I learned about the Scientology cross--8 corners for the 8 dynamics of Scientology Life:

1. The Self
2. Creativity, sex, and procreation (family)
3. Group, society, community
4. Species survival (humankind)
5. Life forms in general
6. Matter
7. Spirit
8. Infinity or Supreme being

I also learned that, while this British gentleman was a Christian Scientologist, in theory there could be Jewish Scientologists as well, though he didn't know of any. In addition, the entire building had perhaps one black person. Which did not help the feeling of unease, as if we were all just lab rats.

I eventually wormed my way out of that eerily deserted registration room and rescued Nedah from the lobby, where another nice Scientologist had tried to talk to her about her feelings by asking her personal questions, completely disregarding that her two flaws according to them were that she is critical and withdrawn. So perhaps not the best move, to ask her very personal questions immediately after accosting her in the lobby. A brief bathroom trip had revealed many perfectly-staged rooms, from L Ron Hubbard's office, preserved as he left it, I can only presume, to a second lobby apparently for people taking classes with the cover of Dianetics all over the place, to many more antiseptic rooms with never-sat-upon furniture. At another point in our adventure, a meeting of CoS employees happened, and it looked a bit like a stampede of young zebras, them all in their black and white, many of whom probably in their late teens, like nice blond Tristan, all heading for some secret meeting room.

  The Hallway, with an employee at a distance

This visit was a fascinating experience. I left with many more questions than when I entered, along with a paralyzing inability to avoid saying diuretics when I meant dianetics. It did make me want to read L Ron's book, but maybe someday in the future. The entire building was huge and made me feel very paranoid, though perhaps that was just the horror stories I had heard about the higher-ups of Scientology. My "auditor," (apparently the term used for scientologists who ask you questions about things to get you to come to terms with your illness/whatever) Tristan, was very nice. I would almost go back just to talk to him longer. Unfortunately, upon leaving I got the distinct feeling that if I returned for a second visit, it would be harder to remain steely critical, as I had entered. They were persuasive about how dianetics worked with the somatic mind, and had I real problems in my life, like infertility or alcoholism, their pitch would have been even more appealing as a way to grow mentally healthy. But for now, I am doing well without Scientology. Nothing was said of the aliens and other bits of Scientology that most people who watch South Park would think of. Everything seemed, well, rather rational. To be honest, Dianetics and Scientology the religion seem totally separate. Dianetics seems like a plausible mental health treatment, and Scientology... still remains a mystery. I suppose I'll just have to try out the CoS in South Africa to compare and learn more.

Apologies again for taking so long to update. To be honest, this visit was a lot to process. Now please don't come after me (or Nedah) with rattlesnakes.